Saturday, May 16, 2009


Even if you were to lie beside me,
Would it change how much I felt?
For me to think of being like this,
Shows I'm under a heartbroken spell.

Last night, was the night I managed to spend, and to think of what I've become after years. Some bits and pieces of myself changed drastically in relation to what I've picked up on my experience. The more I laid down, the more I felt some double-edged sword plunged deeper, and deeper.

The more I thought, the less pain it brought. But it brought in more facts of what I've become.

Or rather, on what I've failed to become.

For 2 years, I've managed to lose focus on what I'm supposed to do. My goals were off-set, and everytime I told myself to change, it just got worse.

There're so many things I want to achieve, but due to lacking in basic focus, I lost it all.

My dreams were crippled, my personality was tainted, my heart became heavier.

And it still remains in its rugged brick form.

I have to admit, when it comes to attention and being sweet and whatsoever, it never works for me. I wouldn't know what to do, and I can't read anybody's body language when it comes to this.

I just know how to open my eyes, find my way around, get over another day, and head home. It's more to like how I was being programmed to do.

Mainly because half of my childhood was ruined by the ones who were supposed to take care of me. Eventually they did, but only eventually. I noticed later that I had nobody else to depend on.

If you want the house door to be opened, there's no such thing as "Can you close the door for me?", but there's such a thing as "Open the fucking door, goddammit!" when my lips are entirely shut.

It's the littlest things that reminds me of how painful things were. And the failure I've become.

I never liked hiding myself, but it's nice to speak your mind out at a place that nobody has ever heard of, or bothered to check.

It's perfect.

This is my space for my insanity.

After all, I'm just takin' it on to the other side, that's all.

Regardless of what I do, where I go, and the wonderful people I've met so far, I sat on my bed, with my face in my palms, just breathing through the holes between my fingers.

I've been lonely, and I'm still lonely.

Somehow, I'm beginning to regret a lot of things.

To my friends that I've had and lost, I'm sorry for not living up to your expectations and being such an asshole.
To my family that I've disrespected, I can't change myself.
To the people around me, best not to come close to me.

Or to get to know me better.

Think of me as the demon you don't want to meet.

Time for me to go back to my roots. Time for me to be known as that person before.

1 comment:

maefurriel said...

*hug* you no failure, you my kinky! ♥